Letter to My Younger Self

Dearest Peggy,

I am writing to your innocence, to the happy, optimistic person you have always been. At this moment, you have no idea what awaits you, tho you may think you do. Truth is that life is about to be turned upside down, and you’ll never be the same.

First the mind-bending, shocking news—ovarian cancer. Then denial—how could that be? No symptoms. No risk factors. No history of cancer in our family...and finally the loss of control-- and the realization that you never really had it. But this is a learning experience in progress. Number one lesson--give up any semblance of control and give into the medicine, the treatments and the love that is pouring your way.

I’m writing to you from the future, so I’m giving away the punchline, but yes, you’ll come through the treatment with flying colors. Still, there is so much to discover before you get here. For example, you’ll be humbled by what it means to be a patient—on the receiving end of the work we do. You’ll find some people can’t or won’t acknowledge your illness. You’ll meet with a therapist who’s too frightened to hear about how scared you are. You’ll hate your wig. You’ll much prefer going commando, but you’ll wear a cap because you see in other people’s eyes how uncomfortable they are with a hairless woman

On the other hand there’s a whole shadow universe that will suddenly become visible--a whole world out there filled with networks of information and dedicated caregivers and kindess, and people who talk to each other. And there’s another world you didn’t really appreciate. The world of what friends do for each other at a time like this. They will knit shawls, they will write to you, they will call you daily, they will bring dinner, they will send hundreds of cards, books, lotions candles, and they wear green bracelets that say Team Peggy.

Some days it will feel like having the blindfold peeled from your eyes and seeing for the first time. Other days will thankfully ordinary. But from now on you will struggle with some things continually. Above all, the question: If time is limited how do I want to spend it? What’s surprising is that you don’t really know.

But you’ll think about it:

See more musicals
Be honest with yourself and others
Enjoy your good jewelry
Give to NPR
Go on a safari
Do pet therapy, --with someone else’s dog
Sit on your porch watching the sun come up on summer mornings


You never felt like much of a nurturer, but you will definitely become a far better friend. Relationships that ended badly, or were left hanging, will be settled. You will resolve to make time for your friends, no matter what it takes.

The hardest part of what lies ahead, in addition to letting go of control, is not knowing what lies ahead. You know the statistics but you’re determined not to be one. You will do your best to enjoy every moment and get comfortable with uncertainty. For the first time, not knowing is better than knowing. It’s hard to get used to.

But you and I, we’re tough, resourceful, we’re smart, we’re positive and we’re going to make it together.


With love and hope,

An Older and Wiser Peggy

A Bientot!!!

with love, Paul and Cathy

Happy Anniversary

Today is our 39th Anniversary and I feel so blessed to have met and married Steven. We've shared alot over the years--highs and lows that are part of life--but we've never been better as a couple than we are right now. He's my rock, my friend, my partner. We're celebrating with a road trip and long weekend at Lake George at the summer home of dear cousins Anne and Richard Adler. Red Bluffs is a magical, healing place where we hang out, rediscover the marvels of nature and share good times with family. , Thomas and George (arriving from LA this morning) will be joining us for the weekend; Emily's working Monday and Tuesday so won't be with us (we're all sad about that). I'm delighted to be out and about and traveling like a regular person.

Musings

I continue to be amazed (and a little scared) at how good I feel. With the exception of a few days following a chemo treatment, I'm really feeling more or less like my old self. Stamina isn't quite the same--I get tired more quickly and relish a quick mid-afternoon nap--but I'm in good spirits and eager to resume normal life. I sometimes worry that this isn't the norm, that I should be "sicker" from the chemo and most importantly, that maybe I'm not getting enough drugs in my system. But the numbers are going down (a good thing), and my hair is gone (a good thing, I guess) so something must be working. I'm in a dosing and tolerability clinical trial which could account for my tolerance. I only hope that the good outcome will be long term as well as immediate.

Chemo II

Sorry for lack of postings here. I guess the goods news is that I've been busy trying to get on with it, rather than spending time just talking/writing about it.




Chemo II was uneventful except that my beloved brother Paul Fulton came down from Boston to join me for the day in Philadelphia. We left early morning (me driving like a demon thanks to steroid-load the night before), spent a peaceful day watching me get marinated, and then home by dinner (Paul driving this time.)








Guess Who


We also had a welcome visit from my friend and colleague Eve who brought love and news from Vox Medica.

As expected, I had a few difficult days (we postponed Fathers Day until this weekend), somewhat more intense than last time, but nothing unmanageable. Once again (knock on wood) no nausea which makes a huge difference in one's ability to tolerate this stuff As I've said before for various reasons, God Bless pharmaceuticals. Happily, the chemo is working. My CA125 number is way down (a good thing) after only one treatment so we're very excited. Now that I'm starting to get this chemo thing down, I 'm more able to anticipate my physical responses, timing, and recovery rates. Which means there's no need to wait around. Life doesn't resume only after I've completed 6 treatment cycles, it begins everyday all over again. I'm ready (make that need) to be out there, engaged, and productive NOW. Maybe a few more naps here and there,but recovery is a process and I'm in it. So I'm ready and eager for dinner with friends, the stimulation of work, weekends away and the resoration of normalcy. Stay tuned. I love you all.

Solidarity

Sister Jane and Cousin Robbie Adler sending positve energy from Chicago

From Drew and Jocelyn

We've been wearing these and thinking of you. We love you Peggy! xoxo Drew + Jocelyn

Full Steam A Head

Okay, it's done. I'm bald. With Steven holding my hand, I went for it -- watched my tresses fall to the floor and the remaining stubble buzzed. Then I focused on the accessories which made it almost fun--turbans, straw hats, fringe wiglets, little caps--lots of different looks. Fashion saves the day. Look for photos on the blog soon--when we figure out how to do it. One more milestone reached and behind me.

Lois Farina said...
hey girl...yes, fashion is fun! i've wanted to see you in a 'new do' and now i'll be able to! you're going thru all of this with a great 'peggy' attitude ~ including your terrific 'a head' sense of humor! remember, i still would love to come visit wheneven you're ready. i'm a fan of buzz cuts!
xx
lois

June 9, 2007 4:28 AM


Lois Farina said...
p.s. ~ i wrote this at 7:29 a.m. not 4:28! last nite was one of those when i actually slept!
xx

June 9, 2007 4:29 AM


Comment deleted
This post has been removed by the author.

June 9, 2007 6:57 PM


Peggy Fulton Heller said...
THIS IS NOT FROM PEGGY BUT FROM SISTER JANE....
I don't know of anyone who does anything with the flare that you have. You are truly an inspiration to us all. Looking forward to the fashion show!
much love,
jfa

June 9, 2007 7:04 PM


Benjamin said...
Hi Peggy,

its Benjy, writing from Burlington. I've been wearing the Team Peggy bracelet for a few weeks now. Yeah fasion! I really appreciate it b/c it keeps you at the forefront of my mind. If positive energy helps, then I'm sending it your way everyday.

As for the hair, look at it this way: at least the chemo doesn't turn your hair to dreadlocks.

Ok...back to work. Know that the Adler clan is thinking of you. Be well, be well!!!!

June 11, 2007 4:55 AM

Hair Today. . .

Hi All:

Despite my secret believe that I'd be the first person NOT to lose her hair from Taxol (yes, I'm still in denial), it's happening right on time--exactly two weeks after my first treatment. I thought I was prepared for this--no big deal, matter-of-fact, stocked with wigs, scarves and turbans-- I had a meltdown in the shower yesterday as my beloved locks turned up on my hands. Very traumatic and the hair continues to shed at a rapid pace. Edwin Peterson, my dear friend and hair guru, has promised to come over tonight or Friday to buzz my head and get it over with. Hoping to share the event with some good friends, wine and cheese.

Good news is that I was feeling well enough yesterday to venture down to Philadelphia and resurface at Vox Medica. What a wonderful reception--it was like coming home to another family. Thanks to all, especially Eve, who made me feel loved and welcome. The discussions, meetings, and clien/account issues felt like a return to normalcy. As you can imagine, I came home exhausted but in a good way. I'm eager to engage more fully, reassess my capacity, and return to work in a meaningful but manageable way.

More soon.

Love, Peggy

Cathy said...
OK, so now there's no more surprises now that your hair vanished. So you'll hunker down into a routine and before you know it you'll be on the other side of it....with all of us cheering!!! YOU CAN DO IT. Loads of love--Cathy & the gang

Update

Dear Family and Friends:

Well, I've come through the first chemo treatment and after effects. Yes I had a few difficult days, but bottom line-- I CAN DO THIS!! Thanks to the miracle of modern medicine, fantastic anti-nausea drugs, the encouragement of those around me, delicious meals delivered to the door, faith that I can help heal myself, I now know with great clarity that I'm going to be fine. I'm feeling better and stronger each day and I'm thoroughly enjoying my current state of well-being as I prepare for the next treatment on June 13th. Thank you all for your love and positive thoughts. Love, Peggy

From Jill and Joel Miller

Dear Peg~~~we're thinking of you always and getting regular reports from Andy! So pleased you are on the road to recovery! We know you are surrounded by so much love and so many wonderful wishes~~count us in as part of that huge group!!!! Hugs and xxxxxx's Jill and Joel

Next Steps

All:

Leaving momentarily for my first chemo treatment in Philadelphia. Yes, I'm anxious about what's ahead over the next few months, but I'm bouyed by Team Peggy--the love and encouragment of friends like you. I'm taking you with me. Thank you all for being there. Love, Peggy

Monday from Peggy

Dearest Friends and Family:

First the REALLY good news: my sister (younger) Jane (who's responsible for setting up this blog, the TeamPeggy campaign, and countless other kindnesses, became a GRANDMOTHER yesterday! Her daugher Katie gave birth to Violet (our grandmother's name) in Santa Cruz CA. Jane arrived during the final hour of pushing and was there to witness this miracle. Violet is the first of her generation and we're all thrilled.

Back in NJ, we spent another peaceful weekend with family. The launch of my chemo treatment was postponed from Friday to Wednesday, which meant I was able to steal another few "transitional" days --between surgery and chemo--where I was feeling good and grateful to hang out and enjoy the company of others. George came in from LA for a couple of Pingry reunion events including induction into the Hall of Fame for the 1996 Soccer Team. Happily we were able to attend the induction ceremony and see some of his old friends and their parents.

I'm eager to begin chemo and get on with it. By all reports, it's going to be awful, I know that. But the sooner I get started, the sooner I can get through. Somehow, I feel like I should be training for the experience--meditation, mind/body, attitude. Sort of like Lamaze, but unfortunately I've been too lazy to read all those books and listen to all those tapes, so I'm going to have to wing it. I'm told there will be good days too so stay tuned.

Thanks to all for your continued good thoughts, cards, meals, flowers, visits, words of encouragement. You'll hear from me personally, but until then, please know how much I appreciate your love and support. I love you all.

Peggy

Don't Mess with Peggy

From Deena Margolis Cowan "I think this disease picked the wrong person to mess with." She's right!!

The Power of Green

"I've got my green bracelet on - I feel like a member of a very select club - and that the bracelet has a unique power all its own - it's radiating healing powers right now - to you and - to me as well!"
Susan Hunter

Mother's Day Weekend follow-up

Out for a walk to enjoy a beautiful spring day

Must have been a dirty joke

Early morning coffee klatch

Mothers DAy brunch kitchen staff. Outstanding brunch followed

Hi From Peggy

To my dear family and friends:

Your love and friendship are the best therapies in the world. Thank you for your support and positive energy as I move forward on this path. This weekend I'm surrounded by family. Mom and Dad and sister Jane have arrived from Chicgo, joining sister Barbara, Emily and Thomas and my rock, Steven, to make this a jolly Mother's Day Weekend. We're eating well (I've lost 40 pounds since my last visit to Struture House so it's time to bulk up a bit--can you imagine?) watching TV, hugging alot and enjoying each other's company. This afternoon, Aunt Adele, (mom's sister) and cousins Richard and Andy drove down from Conecticut for lunch. Waht a joyous gathering. My heart is full.
Love, Peggy

Got my bracelet! Wearing it proudly. Every time I look down, I will think of PEGGY, send her strength and love, and imagine her recovery.

Thanks for including me in TEAM PEGGY.
Go team, go!

Xoxoxox
Nicole

With love from your Santa Cruz fan club!

PEGGY'S HOME!

Peggy returned home on Tuesday. I am forwarding a letter from her friend,
Andy so I don't repeat any information. I will be heading out to New Jersey
with my parents on Friday. Sounds like a full house to me!
much love,
Jane

Dear Friends,
Peggy was released from the hospital today after lunch, and is
home again, and VERY VERY HAPPY to be there. She is resting in bed
currently, and is regaining her strength and vigor. What good news this
is. She will have a brief respite before her treatments begin (more on
that in a day or so), and Steven has requested that she not receive
visitors or phone calls for the present....wise plan. However, she will
be accessing her e-mail, so feel free to send messages regularly:
pheller@voxmedica.com Obviously, there is no current need for food or
driving; Peggy's diet is restricted at this point and the family prefers
to monitor those needs themselves. When this changes, we can pitch in
to help. Currently, Barbara, Peggy's sister is there to help Steven.
Emily and Thomas will be out to see Mom too. So stay tuned, and know
that she sends everyone love and thanks for all the support.
I did manage to see Peggy for about 5 minutes, and am thrilled
and relieved to report that she looks remarkably good...even better than
that. Her color is great, her personality was pure Peggy!!! I was soooo
excited! Clearly, all the good energy and love has been an enormous
source of strength for her. Steven is fatigued. It was easy to take his
cue and let them settle in for now.
Back in touch soon....keep smiling, she's lookin' good!
-Andy